"The only problem is to see others as the problem. The fault lies in the very thought that the fault lies in others."
There are seven levels of consciousness. Your relationships too evolve as you evolve to higher level of consciousness. Let us understand how the levels of consciousness operate and impact relationships through the example of a relationship between a husband and a wife.
On the first level there are only petty quarrels happening between the husband and wife. Most often these end up as big fights. Both feel that “to get married means to fight”. What matters most in the relationship at this level of consciousness is who will win or who will have the last word. These parents who quarrel with each other like children then decide to rear and raise children. Imagine the impact it has on the world…
The first level of consciousness can be termed as self survival.
…On the second level, the husband and wife now become aware of their fights. The reason behind the fights begin to come to light. This is better than the first level where many are not even aware that they fight. At the second level, things become a bit clearer and the relationship starts to clear up…
The second level of consciousness can be termed as self interest.
…On the third level, the husband and the wife begin to understand not only the cause of their fights, but begin to solve problems jointly. The husband now comprehends the grounds of the arguments; he starts to see things from her point of view. He thinks, “If I would have brought a little flower on my way back home, the situation would be different… If only I had reached on time, I wouldn’t be facing the music”. The wife figures out that she could have served food with much more grace instead of just dumping it on his plate. She recognizes that the situation would be better if she hadn’t thrown a tantrum or had been less intimidating. Now they identify the reason for their disagreements and try to preempt it by amending their own behavior. This realization and willingness to be more adjusting and understanding takes them up to the next level…
The third level of consciousness can be termed as self development.
…At the fourth level, they begin to dig deep and see the real reason for their conflicts, not just the superficial reasons. They realize that on the surface they may seem to be arguing about the same issue (time, money, responsibility and so forth), but secretly they may be arguing about some other hidden issues. The wife sees that she wasn’t upset because he came late; she was upset about some past issue and his coming late just triggered it. There is an evident reason and a hidden reason for differences. On the fourth level they go deeper and encounter themselves and their hidden motives. And then true transformation occurs when it hits them that their conflicts are actually the conflicts of their parents. The truth dawns upon them that their parents’ conflicts, the tendencies and patterns of their parents are carried forward by them. Their parents are active in them. The actual disagreement is between the wife’s mother and the husband’s father.
The wife sees that she is imitating her mother doing what she did and getting upset exactly like her when her parents used to fight. She had been observing her closely. The husband did the same with his father, watched him closely. What did his father do when his mother was upset? How did he pacify her? He imitates his father now in his conflicts with his wife. They both now encounter that they are living the lives of their parents, following the traits and ways of handling conflicts. They feel amazed about this discovery. Now the process of self-inquiry begins. It is not that a girl would only possess the traits and tendencies of her mother, but of her father as well. Same is the true of boys as well. Sometimes it could also be a response pattern to counter a behaviour of a parent. If the father is a miser, then the girl may become very possessive and now when her husband gives away gifts to his sister, her possessive nature will make her pick a fight with her husband on that issue.
At the fourth level, they think honestly. They become aware of it. Why they do what they do? The wife inquires why do I throw things when I am angry? (It is because my mother used to do the same) The husband inquires why do I go away someplace alone when I get angry? (Its because my father used to do the same). It is actually surprising because when they had seen their parents fighting or arguing they had decided that when they grow up they wouldn’t be doing so with their spouses. But because they had observed their parents so minutely, subconsciously those patterns sink into them. This is because of a principle of life, “ What you give attention to comes into you”. After getting the insights, they want to get out of the tendencies and patterns of their parents. They probe deeper and with higher understanding move their relationship to a higher level of consciousness…
The fourth level of consciousness can be termed as self transformation.
…At the fifth level, the couple get the perspective that the fights are not of the parents, but of their values and beliefs. These values and beliefs and way of living got into them by observing their parents and society. They understand that the disagreement they have is between the beliefs of the mother and the beliefs of the father. A belief that boys should not wash utensils; this is the girl’s job. Girls should not clean the car, this is a boy’s job. Everyone is living with the conviction about a certain way of life for a man and a women. At this level, the couple reconsider their gender biases and decide to sideline the old beliefs and live a fresh new life. They now live and operate from serenity, freedom, love and happiness. This is freedom from within, real independence. After confronting the real reason and the operating beliefs, they find the right remedy for it. Two drops of the right medicine (of understanding) starts bringing the results that they want, instead of ten drops of the wrong one. The couple now enjoys the power in the relationship and they function from the same level of consciousness, from the same platform. It is the discrepancy in the level that creates dysfunctional families…
The fifth level of consciousness can be termed as self liberation.
…After going through the fifth level comes the sixth level, where disputes end. What remains is not love, but bright love. Transactional love ends, reason seeking love ends. This is the beginning of unconditional love. At this level, the relation is not dependent on give and take. “You do this for me. I’ll do that for you. If you don’t, then I won’t….” All conditions cease because love in itself is full and complete. The couple enjoys freedom and bliss.. The source of happiness is bright love because that is the only way to happiness. Here there is the understanding that, “Love is not what you get but what you give”. The focus is only giving unconditionally. If the other person gives something in return, its a bonus. But on the sixth level, they don’t get trapped in the bonuses, The sixth level of consciousness usually arises with elevation in the spiritual understanding of both…
The sixth level of consciousness can be termed as self realization.
…On the seventh level, it is full expression of the unconditional love. Where bright love reaches its destination. The highest form of unconditional love now manifests; it becomes devotion. It is the premier state of love akin to what Meerabai had for the Lord. She demonstrated that throughout her life. This type of rare devotional love exists between a devotee and the Lord or between a disciple and his Guru.
The seventh level of consciousness can be termed as self transcendence.
Let us also understand that families do not operate from any one level of consciousness. They tend to be clustered around two or three levels. Most relationships operate from the lower three levels of consciousness—self survival, self interest and self development. True joy in relationships can be derived if you move beyond the first three levels. The question now is from which level are you operating? What are you creating everyday in your life? What are you creating in the now, around you, in the space of a relationship? Contemplate and elevate your level of consciousness.
You can also gain experiential understanding about the final truth and evolve to higher levels of consciousness by attending the Magic of Awakening retreat. Please click here
to register for it.